Nothing Really Matters
by ailaikannu
Summary: Sometimes life isn't exaclty how it seems. Arizona describes what she's going through after breaking up with her wife, but Callie has a bitter sweet surprise in the end.
1. All I want

Sometimes I wonder if she realizes how much I still love her. It gets worse when I wonder if _she_ still loves _me_. Most of the time I hope she doesn't, but I feel my heart clenching with pain anytime my mind starts playing with her name.

 _Calliope_.

I still don't know what I did to deserve her in my life, but I did. She was there, with those loving eyes, that bright smile… We had everything we wanted. Perfect jobs, perfect lives… Then, I left. She remained here alone, fighting against a love she wished she'd never felt. When I came back, she hated me and she was pregnant. A dream of hers, a dream I couldn't satisfy. I loved her too much to let her go and I regained her in my life. I had a family, a family of my own. A girlfriend and a perfect little girl, waiting to come to this world. Then I wanted more, I wanted her to marry me. We were in a devastating car accident that almost took both my girlfriend and our daughter away from me.

 _Forever_.

They are both fighters, though and made it through something that could have possibly killed them in an instant. I got to hold my daughter. I got to marry the love of my life, she was so stunning I could barely breathe on our wedding day. Then there was the damn plane crash, that took away my leg. For a couple of years, I thought it was her fault. She had _promised_ me she wouldn't let them take my leg but, sometimes, we can't control infections and letting me keep my leg meant leaving me to die. In my mind, she'd done the cut, I never even thought that she couldn't possibly have done it. I stopped talking to her, I thought I'd stopped loving her. And I believe she thought that too. I just wanted to curl up in a ball of miserable pain and die. It felt like her fault and I needed to hate her. Pain was the only thing that I could feel. There was only one person I could bear to see.

 _Sofia_.

Our beautiful daughter was the only thing to keep me from killing myself. Most of the time I didn't want to be with her, because I couldn't take care of her. I couldn't walk. I couldn't pick her up. I couldn't do anything. She couldn't be alone with me and it made me sick. Calliope never left my side, not even for a second. I used to scream a lot, I would yell at her all the time… Mostly for nothing. It was easier for me to have her carry my pain it, somehow, made me feel better. She wasn't even sleeping in the same house, I had forced her to go sleep in her dead best friend's bed because I couldn't bear the thought of having her around. I can't believe how angry I was. It was almost two years ago, but I can still remember the way she made me feel... The kind of rage I was experiencing felt like a thunderstorm.

 _Cruel_.

I was cruel, more than angry. She tried everything she could to make me feel better, but I kept yelling and yelling. Then one night, I believe it was a couple of months after the crash, she came home and found me in the bathroom floor, soaking wet. I'd pissed myself. I think that moment made me realize how much she was suffering, because I saw her crying in front of me for the very first time. She picked me up and dragged me into the shower, where she opened the faucet and water started pouring down my face. I started yelling at her and she was yelling back, for the first time in months. I told her to go away, I was desperate for her to go away... I perfectly remember what she said.

 _There's nowhere else to go, this is my life now too._

It made me cry. It made me look at her in stunned silence, while tears poured down her face and water soaked the both of us. It made me think a lot, but it didn't make me stop feeling angry. Slowly and painfully, we started being us again. I thought I'd went back to my old life, with my precious daughter and my lovely wife. But it wasn't over, of course it wasn't. There were some days when I felt great, like nothing was bothering me... And other days when everything felt like collapsing and I seemed to forget how loved I was. I thought I'd stopped feeling angry, I thought I'd accepted my life as it was… But the truth was that I was still angry.

 _Angry_.

One day I did something I never thought I'd do. There was this visiting doctor in the hospital who kept flirting with me… I told her off, explaining that I was married and that my wife was everything that I needed, but… I ended up sleeping with her. I thought I could keep it a secret, because I regretted it the second it was over. Calliope eventually found out and we went back on the yelling. It was storming outside and we were screaming at each other and I couldn't believe what I'd done. I felt my anger growing back inside my whole body and something was telling me that cheating on her was the right punishment for taking my leg. I yelled something at her I'll regret for my whole life.

 _You didn't lose anything. I did._

In that moment I realized that there was no coming back. I didn't even feel like I _wanted_ to go back to being her wife, maybe it was right for me to live a life without her. It was difficult to handle Sofia at the beginning, because Callie couldn't stand me. I saw pain in her eyes anytime they met mine and it made me quiver. It was my fault, completely my fault and I found myself living in a hotel room while my wife and my daughter were sleeping in our house. I knew that it was my fault in our family was broken but... Didn't she start everything by making that call ? Then something happened, she was in a trail for malpractice… At that point, we were broken up, living our separate lives… But she asked me to go back home and I did. Why am I alone now, then ?

 _Why ?_

Because she tried and tried again, but nothing worked. We went on therapy and it broke us. I thought it might help us, but it didn't. We had to stay thirty days separated and then see if we were actually meant to be… My heart was aching with love the morning we were supposed to be reunited, but… Hers wasn't. She'd felt free without me. She was better off without me.

 _I want you to feel free too._

It broke me, I felt as if she had hit me with a chair in the face. I felt awful, I felt like nothing mattered anymore. I was so sure about our love it made me feel like I could fly away… But it wasn't mutual. She'd stopped loving me and she didn't want to admit it. She used an excuse, telling me that she wanted me to feel free the way she did… But how could I feel free ? I felt trapped, trapped in a life I didn't want to live. I still do, as a matter of fact. My life is far from what I want it to be. When I was younger, I thought that my life was going to be me focused on my career, with nothing to distract me from it. Now my life does actually revolve around my job, but it feels empty and pointless. My life is supposed to have Calliope in it. I find myself dreading the time I get to spend with Sofia, because she's the only good thing I have left in this world. I remember those love songs that made me constantly think about my sweet Calliope… And now, only sad songs make me think about her. I feel lonely all the time, I feel like nothing matters anymore and the only reason why I'm still alive is Sofia.

" _All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door, 'cause if I could see your face once more, I could die a happy man I'm sure. When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side. But if you loved me, why did you leave me ? Take my body, take my body. All I want is and all I need is to find somebody, I'll find somebody… Like you."_


	2. What if

I feel like I could take off and fly away any moment now. I saw my therapist last night, doctor Heldens, and she even managed to tell me that I looked better than usual. I don't know why, but I'm extremely happy to be off work today, so I can spend some time with my baby girl and, maybe, if I'm lucky, with my wife. Maybe I should actually start to call her my ex-wife. It doesn't really matter right now, I'm so happy ! There's a faint knock on my door and I immediately open it, finding Callie, Sofia and a stroller with a small child on it on the doorway.

"Hi !" I say, cheerfully. Callie places a kiss on my cheeks and smiles at me, while Sofia rushes inside to start jumping on my bed.

"Good day, huh ?" Callie says, with a huge smile on her face. "I'm glad."

"Yeah, I woke up pretty happy… You know, not having to work is always great when you risk losing babies to make a living." I joke and she smiles.

She sits on my bed and tells Sofia to stop jumping "You might break mama's bed" she says, softly. Sofia sits quietly on the floor and I sit down next to her and start playing fire trucks with her. It's her new favourite game, she seems to be in love with fire trucks and it's so damn cute. I look at Callie for a second, she's standing up now and walking towards the stroller.

"So…" I begin. She leans on the stroller and picks up the small child. "Who's the little boy ?"

She looks at me for a second and the baby starts crying. I don't think he can be older than six or seven months and I think I'd know if Callie had had another baby with someone. "Oh, this is Logan."

I nod and look at her, as to tell her that I need a little longer explanation. ""He's my sister's son." It must be hard for Callie to have a happily married sister with a new born while she's going through a divorce.

"Oh, I didn't know she'd had a son. He's lovely." I say, softly. She looks at me for a second and I feel stupid for saying the word lovely. Babies are not lovely, they're cute, they're adorable. Not lovely. "He's really cute."

She smiles at me, "Do you mind holding him for a second while I go to the bathroom ?"

Of course I don't mind, why would I ? I'm holding a baby on my day off and it's not even my own. I look at him, he is actually really cute and I can't help but smile at him. And then it hits me. He has dark brown hair and light blue eyes.. Something about him reminds me of her. _He looks like her_. This might even be Callie's son, with another person. A man, maybe. Or another woman. Or whatever. I can't. He looks so much like her, how could I have not noticed that she was pregnant ? How could I ? I see her almost everyday and I didn't notice that she was pregnant, how stupid am I ? I feel sick and I want to cry and this stupid baby is on my lap giggling.

"Stop it !" I find myself screaming. "Just fucking stop it !"

The baby –what's his name again ?- starts crying, Sofia's crying and I'm crying as well. Everyone's crying and I can't live like this anymore, I want to scream and I want to crush my head against the wall. Callie enters the room running like she's seen a ghost behind her back and rushes to get the baby –who is now on the bed next to me- and then Sofia. My sweet little girl looks so scared, she's used to seeing me always happy and cheerful... I don't want her to see me the way I was post plane crash. I was awful to Callie and, apparently, I still am.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I start whispering. I look at Callie and I don't know if what I see in her eyes is pain or anger. Probably both. I should be used to it by now… But I'm not. I'm obviously not. "I'm sorry." I say again, loudly. Both children seem to have calmed down and I feel slightly better.

"It's okay, don't worry. You're just stressed out." Callie says, softly. She places the small boy in his stroller and tells Sofia to go back to her fire trucks, then sits next to me. "You hang on in there." I realize just now that she knows how much I'm suffering for our divorce and I believe she's suffering as well. She' probably just handling it better than I am, it's not even that difficult. I think being the one to decide when to end a marriage is never easy, but it's surely easier than being the one who doesn't get to decide. I just have to accept that this is her decision and there's no going back from here. I feel trapped, once again. I wish I could be as strong as she is, I wish I could be Sofia's rock for once. I hate for her to see me like this... And it's not even the first time. After the plane crash, I thought I didn't care if she saw how miserable I was. How angry I was. But, deep down, it crashed me to know that Sofia was old enough to understand what was going on. She was only two, but she was there whenever I started crying for no reason. She was there when I screamed for hours in my bedroom, alone. She was there when I yelled at her mother for nothing. She was always there and she knew. I felt stronger when I was younger, maybe my attachment to Callie made me weaker, way weaker than I'm supposed to be and it sucks.

" _What if it makes you sad at me ? What if it makes you laugh now but you cry as you fall asleep ? What if it takes your breath and you can hardly breathe ? What is it makes the last sound be the very best sound ? What if what I want makes you sad at me ? And is it all my fault, how can I fix this, please ?_


	3. Sad songs

"What are sad songs even about ? Actual sadness or anger towards one's self ? What if sad songs were actually the singer's way to express anger ? Sometimes you can feel anger at yourself and it sucks. I believe anger is worse than sadness, because it means… It means that I've finally understood that it's completely my fault.

 _My fault._

This morning I saw her. She had her hair up in a ponytail and I couldn't stop thinking about kissing that neck of hers. I have to admit it was weird to have her stand in front of me once again, even if it happens daily. It still feels weird to know that I can't kiss her, that I can't hold her like I used to. It still feels weird to know that she's not mine anymore and that nothing will ever change the fact that she's gone on with her life and there's no place for me in it. It hurts me to know that, as per now, she sees me only as Sofia's other mother.

 _Mother._

That's the only thing I feel like being right now. Sofia is the most important thing in my world and, also, the only thing that keeps me in Callie's life. It forces her to talk to me sometimes, it forces her to spend time with me, for Sofia's sake. I'm glad she doesn't hate me, I don't think I would be able to survive the love of my life actually hating me. It already feels weird as it is. My days fall in a monotony that breaks my bones, a monotony that makes me cry with desperation every other hour, a monotony that makes me shiver at night. Sometimes I wonder if this is what depression feels like… But I'm not depressed, I'm just angry all the time.

 _Angry_.

I wish I could be careless. I wish I could forget how bad my life feels without my wife in it. But I just can't. I didn't see Callie today and maybe it's for the best. Whenever I see her, I feel worthless, because I know that I'm nothing without her by my side. I feel nothing. I feel numb. Is this what my life is going to be from now on ? Pointless days and happy moments only when my child is around ? This is so stupid, I'm so stupid. My life can't revolve around a woman who doesn't even love me back anymore. I'm a grown up, for fuck's sake… Why can't I even handle a simple break up ? I used to be such a heartbreaker back in College. I miss that. I miss being able not to care about people, it felt so much easier. And now… Now look at me.

When did I become just a wife ? I was a person before. I was my own person. Then she came into my life and everything changed. Everything changed for the better and I soon realized that I wanted her to be a part of me forever, because it was the right thing to do. She was the one for me and I couldn't let her go. There was no way for me to imagine a life without my dear Calliope next to me… It wouldn't have made sense. She gave me a reason to believe in love, she was the reason why I understood that having a family meant something. With her, I understood that two people can be different and still be in love. I understood that love isn't always cuddles and smiles, it can also be pain and tears… But, in the end, it's always worth it. I perfectly know that these months of pain are going to take me to a better place, they're going to take us both to a better place. These moments of misery are going to make us realize that we're wasting our whole lives by being apart. I'm going to see her tomorrow. I can't live like this anymore. Most of the time I wish I could be like my old self and accept that I need to let her go, but I love my wife way too much to stop fighting. I've been fighting for years now and I can't give up. I need her to know, I need Calliope to know that I love her more than life itself. I'm going to see her tomorrow and I'm going to tell her everything.

I already know that we're meant to end up together. I already know that I belong with her. I already know that she is my person.

Next step : let her understand that I am her person.

" _Help, help I'm drowning in the sea where I found you. The kerosene in your skin, the chemistry that I'm bound to. Picture me on an ocean In a chest that I hollow, I picture you in slow motion somewhere in west Colorado. Well I don't know where that place is, if I did I would follow .I don't know what this taste is, if I did I would swallow. Thought I knew all the answers, thought I held all the keys, the black bear that I led you to wants more than I can speak. Thought I drew out the cancers, thought I fell the disease, turns out that I need you now much more than you need me."_


	4. Remember

I walk the familiar hallways on my own. I feel weird and incredibly empty. Why am I doing this ? The whiteness of this place is almost scary and I feel my knees trembling as I slowly walk towards the damn door. I've thought a lot about this, I've hoped for months things would change… I've been patient, extremely patient, but nothing worked. It didn't get better and I believe it never will. Maybe it's time for me to be honest, maybe it's time for me to finally be able to express what I'm feeling. For once, just for once, I need to be brutally honest and say everything I think about this out loud. I have tears in my eyes, because I know that she might not understand or, worse, she might refuse this. What if this time fighting for her turns out not to be enough ? What if this decision makes me lose her for good ? I'm not so sure anymore. I haven't had a serious conversation with her for so much time now it feels like ages. I don't even know how she feels anymore.

I've been thinking about doing this for many weeks now, but Doctor Heldens always told me to slow down and wait a little bit more.  
"What is she's not ready yet ?" She'd say and it made me feel guilty anytime the thought crossed my mind. I obviously didn't want to make my wife suffer any more than what she already had to … So I waited. Now I can't wait anymore, this needs to be done. Now. I'm still shaking, though and I don't think it's going to get any easier as the time goes by. What I'm about to do might change our lives forever, but it might also destroy both of them… I'm not sure I'm ready to risk the "relationship" we have now. What I'm sure about is that this needs to be done, now. She agreed to meet me in Doctor Heldens' office, maybe a neutral environment will make everything easier.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I stand for a while in front of the office's door and brace myself. It's either going to make me sick, or extremely happy. I knock twice on the door.

"Come in." I slowly open the door. She's already here, sitting in the dark lather chair. She turns her head and looks at me, then cracks a small smile to me. I breathe and smile back, while sitting down next to her.

 _It's a good day._

Doctor Heldens starts talking, but I can't pay attention to her. I'm too busy worrying about what is going to happen in the next few moments to concentrate on anything else. I keep fidgeting with my fingers, nervousness is definitely striking me hard. The doctor seems happy, maybe she's finally understood that what I'm doing today is the right thing and I can finally be honest. I can't quite process what she's saying and I figure I might need to start talking once she stops. What am I going to say ? How am I going to begin something that is going to change my life ?

I have no idea.

I literally have no idea. I was way too nervous about this to think about what to say. I talked to doctor Heldens yesterday and I thought she'd have me meet her a week after, but she said we needed to do this soon and here we are. Last night I couldn't sleep, I was way too nervous to even lay down, so I spent the whole night baking. It helped me relax and it also made me stop thinking for a few hours, which was what I needed the most. Now, though, here I am. In front of my wife, speechless, on one of the most significant days of my life.

It's weird.

When we got married, I was scared like I'd never been before. I was going to be tied with her for my whole life and it felt like the best decision I'd ever take. I saw her in that beautiful white dress and I knew for sure that I was right. We were going to live a happy life, raise our beautiful daughter and grow old together, like I had dreamed my whole life. Right now, though, I think I'm feeling even more scared.

Is it even possible ?

Our wedding day was basically a disaster. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. I should have probably taken that as a hint, because our marriage was the same. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. But I'm here again, because I care too much to let her go again. Doctor Heldens looks at me and I know it's my turn to talk.

"Do you know why we're here ?" I ask my wife. She shocks her head, but her smile doesn't even flinch. "Well… I need to tell you something. I need you to know what is going on."

I think this might sound like I'm telling her that I am dating someone, because I see real fear in her eyes and I'm not sure how to go on. "We've been together for many years, we've had many problems, but we've always been able to get through them, because our love has always been so powerful." Her smile comes back and I find myself smiling back at her. "I tried in the past to forget everything we had, I tried to overcome that voice in my head that kept telling me to go back to you, because I thought I couldn't do that to myself. I couldn't still be in love with you."

It might sound harsh, but it's the truth. I have tried to forget what it felt like to be with her, I tried to avoid her, but it hit me anytime I saw her in the hospital.

I loved her more than words could possibly describe.

"But I was. And there was no point in hiding it. I hope you know that. Once I realized how much I loved you, I came running back to you."

She looks at me and frowns. I can see how confused she is right now, so I stop for a while. I want her to understand what I'm saying here and, more importantly, I want her to say it back.

"Are you talking about first break up ? When there was the shooting ?" She says and I feel my heart clench with pain.

"No, I'm talking about our last one." I say and her face lights up with joy. There we go. She understands.

"Is this session you telling me that you want to get back together ?" She says, softly. I can see how scared she is right now, she thinks I might say no. She probably thinks I might be joking.

I brace myself. It's now or never.

"No, we got back together a little over two years ago…

… You just don't remember it."


	5. How hard I try

"What ?"

It's obvious that she isn't quite understanding what I am saying. I stare at her while tears form in her eyes. Her expression shows a kind of confusion I have never seen in her face before. Well, I actually have, but I thought it was different now. I thought she might remember.

"What do you mean ?" Her voice is broken, she looks hurt. I'm scared she might flip and get suddenly angry, like she did a little over six months ago. I silently look at her, doctor Heldens has his hand in the air, as to tell me to wait.

 _I perfectly remember that day. I had been thinking about what to tell her for so many months that I was scared it might come out as an act. I felt happy, though. It was the right thing to do and there was no postponing anymore. It needed to be done. We had a patient together and it was the perfect excuse to talk to her. Sometimes talking about Sofia didn't seem enough. I grabbed her arm after we talked to little Timmy's parents._

" _Can we talk ?" She obviously thought I meant about him and nodded. I walked to the elevators and took her just outside the hospital. My legs were trembling like crazy and I was pretty damn scared._

" _What is it ?" She asked._

" _So… I had this endless speech I prepared in these last months, but… It kinda feels pointless now that you're standing right in front of me. I guess I'm just going to say it, the faster the better. I can't live like this anymore. I love you too much to start a new life where you are just Sofia's mother and my ex-wife. I can't even say that. It's way too weird._

 _Ex-wife._

 _It sounds wrong._

 _It sounds pointless._

 _It sounds devastating._

 _You made mistakes, but I did too. We made mistakes, we're flawed, because we're human beings. I want my life to be a happy one, with you by my side, all the time. I can't live like this anymore so, please, take me back."_

 _Her eyes regained life and she started crying like I believe she had never done before. She nodded and kissed me, with her hands firm on my face. She held me tight and promised she'd never let me go again._

" _Ten babies." She whispered in my ear and I started crying with her as she pulled me closer in our embrace._

"Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is happening ?"

I'm crying now, way harder than I'm supposed to. "We'll never get back to normal." I manage to whisper, but it makes everything even worse. She looks at me, with tears in her own eyes.

"What's wrong ? Why are you crying ? What is it ?" I don't know what she's feeling. I can see how confused she is. But being confused isn't enough in a situation like ours.

How am I supposed to answer this ? I feel stupid, for wanting to try this out. It's my fault and now we'll go back to six months ago, I have probably managed to screw up all the progress we made during these months. Why do I always need to ruin everything ? Because nothing is ever enough for me, that's why. I always feel like I have the potential to be happier. Fuck this.

I think hard about what to do next. I hold my hand up,

 _Just give me a second_

I think. Doctor Heldens is waiting for me to say something, but he's kind of hoping it won't take too long. Right now, I'm too deep into this to back off. Maybe it's not too late to fix everything. Maybe, if I say the right things, I might still save us.

I might be able to save us for good.

Doctor Heldens looks at me and speaks before I'm able to think about what to say. "I think I should leave you guys alone, now." He gets up and we both look at him. I nod and he leaves us there. Once we're alone, I'm not sure I have enough strength to do this. I don't even know how to explain what is happening and why everything looks so damn frightening. I don't know how to do such things mainly because it's scaring me as well.

Suddenly, I have an idea.

"Take a look at this." I say, opening a chart and putting it on the desk in front of us. I open it, careful not to show the name of the patient. "And tell me what you think about it."

She looks at me, unsure. After a moment, she starts looking at the chart I opened for her. "Why am I doing this again ?" She asks. "Is it going to make me understand what's happening ? Who is this person anyway ?"

"It's going to help you, please trust me." I tell her and she goes on reading. I'm not going to tell her anything more, I'm just hoping she'll understand.

"But it's an adult ? I don't treat adults ? Wow, this is disturbing. It is never easy to deal with… Wait, what the…" Her jaw drops and she's staring at me, speechless. "Is this chart… Mine ?"

I silently nod.

She's crying again.

I know now that I made a terrible mistake.

"Yes, you were admitted to the psychiatric ward."

 _I'm holding on to many things passed, to anything that's gonna change my memories back. I'm holding on to everyone good, to everything that's ever been the way that it should. I'm holding on to things you said before you forgot what this love really meant to you. The words that I sent to you, never got into you, no matter how hard I try_


	6. We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun

"Do you think this is funny ?" She asks me.

"No, it's not. And it's not even a joke, I'm afraid. Listen… I know it's scary and, also, super weird… But it's the truth." I tell her.

"It says here that I've given birth. Don't you think I would know if I had given birth less than seven months ago ? I believe it would show, wouldn't it ?" She snaps and I can only imagine how awful she must be feeling right now. "Where is this imaginary baby, though ? I've never even seen… Him."

"You have." I whisper.

"I haven't." She says. "I would remember it. Why do you need to make me suffer like this ? You're making me feel like a psychopath."

We're both still crying, for exhaustion, fear, sadness. "Please go on reading the chart."

"I don't want to. I'd rather hear this nonsense coming from your mouth." She's talking with anger and I'm sure she won't believe a word of what I'm about to say.

"Alright." I breathe loudly. "We got back together after the summer of 2015…" She stops me.

"Wait.. What date is it today ?" She looks so fragile right now. I think she's starting to understand that I'm not making fun of her and that her confusion might mean that reality is pretty different from what she's thinking.

"It's May 3rd, 2017." I say and her eyes are wide with a mixture of terror and surprise.

"Well… Go on."

"After like a month you told me that we needed to try for a second baby and that you weren't scared anymore. I was so thrilled, I cried every time I thought about it." I still do, to be honest. "It worked on the second try and on October 10th, 2016, we welcomed our son ." There's a moment of silence, I'm trying so hard not to cry… But I desperately want her to remember us. I believe dates can help her. Maybe having precision will help her. I wait for a second, hoping to see something come up in her face.

Blank eyes.

She doesn't remember anything.

I sigh.

She's still crying.

"The delivery went smoothly, we cried a lot because his birth was so different from Sofia's. We were both fine, no one was risking to die, we thought everything was going perfectly… We finally had our child. After our first miscarriage I honestly never thought we'd get the chance to have a second child… I didn't want to risk losing you again and I knew that Sofia was enough for us. She has always been our little princess, you know ? We went home, we were happy… Like we hadn't been in a long time. Being back together made us happy, of course but… Nothing could compare to Matthew's birth. Our little angel made our lives complete. I remember waking up that damn day. Matthew was asleep on my chest, Sofia was sleeping between us and you were asleep by my side. Everything was perfect, I felt like nothing could possibly go wrong. I went to work, taking Sofia with me and you stayed at home with Matthew, since he was about a week old.

I remember us texting a couple of times.

You sending me cute pictures of Matthew and also one where you were cooking.

Having lunch with Meredith and sharing the joys of a new born, even if Bailey was already a toddler.

Me playing with Sofia and Zola after lunch.

A Broström procedure in the afternoon.

Picking up Sofia from the daycare.

Walking to the parking lot.

Driving home with Sofia singing along to the radio.

Many Frozen songs.

Parking the car.

Looking for my keys, as per usual.

Opening the front door.

Feeling a weirdly uncommon cold hair.

Walking slowly to the living room, calling out for you.

Finding your limp body on the living room.

Not knowing what to do first. Check on you ? Reassure Sofia that you were alright ?

Matthew."

 _She picked Sofia up and held her close to her chest while she dialled 911. The child had her eyes closed and was crying her heart out, while Callie checked for her wife's pulse._

 _It was still there._

 _Arizona was alive._

 _She was breathing._

 _"Mama, mama !" Sofia cried._

 _Callie was frantically running in the house looking for Matthew, but he was nowhere to be found._

" _Honey, keep your eyes shut. Everything's going to be alright. Now you need to stay in your bedroom while mommy fixes this, alright ?" She took Sofia to her bedroom and locked the door from the outside. She couldn't let her daughter see what she was seeing._

' _911 what's your emergency ?'_

' _This is doctor Calliope Torres, I need an ambulance at 430 Blanchard Street, my wife and baby have been attacked.'_

' _Are they alert ?'_

' _My wife is unconscious, I think she was hit in the head with a bat or something, my baby's missing.' Was she really saying those words ?_

 _She could feel the panic in her own voice, but she tried to sound as calm as possible, she needed to stay calm._

' _An ambulance is on its way'_

 _She kept looking for her baby, she was desperate to find him. Rationally, she knew that a week old baby couldn't move on his own, but her heart told her to keep looking. Maybe Arizona had heard someone trying to get inside their house and had tried to hide Matthew. She looked everywhere._

 _Matthew wasn't there._

 _She gave up. Matthew wasn't in their house. He would have started crying with all the noise she was making and with Sofia's cries._

 _She kneeled down next to her wife and checked for any other kind of injury, she breathed out when she realized that the only visible injury was the one to the head. Arizona was breathing, which was all that mattered. Breathing means living._

 _She felt immediate relief when the paramedics ran inside her house and took her place next to Arizona. She kept asking pointless questions to the paramedics, who told her that Arizona's condition wasn't as bad as it looked. She was breathing, but she was a little bradycardic._

' _We were told that there might have been an abduction, we need to call the police.'_

' _Yes, please, yes. Do it. I'm… I… My daughter… Sofia. I need to take her and we need to go to the hospital."_

 _She ran to Sofia's room and picked her up._

' _We're going to the hospital, darling. They're going to help mama there.' She said, trying to sound as calm as possible._

' _Mommy, where's Mattie ?'_

 _There was no answer. No correct answer, at least. 'I don't know, princess.'_

 _"Smile, the worst is yet to come. We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun. Got nowhere to go, we could be here for a while but the future is forgiven, so smile."_


	7. Memories turn to dust

"Traumatic event." She whispers.

"You woke up and kept asking me where Matthew was. It was heart wrenching to explain the whole thing to you. You cried a lot, you were basically always crying. You kept screaming that it wasn't fair, that you couldn't bear losing another child… You wouldn't even let me touch you. It was terrible, there was nothing in our house that could lead to whoever did that shitty thing to us. And then you forgot. It happened suddenly, at the beginning, I didn't even notice. Then you started asking me why you were wearing a patient gown and I understood that something was off. They said it was temporary and that you would regain your memory in just a matter of time and I believed them, how could I not ? I spent my days crying and so did you, but not for the same reason. I couldn't believe that our son was missing and that you didn't even know it. You kept crying because we wouldn't explain what was going on, but how could we ? I guess you perfectly know that people who suffer from any kind of memory loss are particularly fragile. We couldn't risk making it worse. The days passed and you started being kind of violent."

She looks at me, tears pouring down her face. During these months we felt so distant… But now…

It's weird. I feel close to her, like I haven't been in months. I still hope to see something in her eyes, but she just looks in terrible pain. I desperately want my words to trigger something in her brain, but I feel useless.

"When they found our son, I hoped he would trigger something in your brain to make you remember what had happened. You know, Matthew was missing for four days, which is a lot… But I thought you'd slowly remember everything since the traumatic event… We got to hold him for hours, but you wouldn't recognize him. Your mind was stuck to when we broke up after those thirty days apart. At the beginning you thought Matthew was a patient, then you started thinking of him as my son.

You couldn't remember what had happened after our break up. You slowly started behaving in a very uncommon way… You would scream all the time and you started being violent towards whoever was next to you… Even to yourself. I had to have you admitted here for your own safety."

"Have me admitted ?" She looks so confused.

"Yes… You've been living in this facility for about six months now. I've been coming here every single day since the day you were admitted… I wanted to be as close to you as I possibly could. You looked better for a while and I took you home with me, but you destroyed everything the moment I left the house to go grocery shopping and, when I got back, I found you sitting on the floor with burn marks on your arms. You said it didn't hurt and that you wanted to feel in power for once and regain your independence because I wouldn't let you do anything.

It was awful and I knew I couldn't take care of you and two children while working. It was hard, but I did what was better for our family."

" _What happened, oh my God, Arizona what did you do ?! Are you alright ?" She screamed, but the woman sitting on the floor wouldn't even lift her chin. Callie kneeled down next to her wife and examined the marks on her arms. She got her phone from her pocket and dialled Meredith's number_

" _Hey, it's Callie… Listen, can you see if Jackson is available ?" She talked while she tried to treat her wife's burns. "Arizona burned herself while I was gone."_

 _She helped the blonde back on her feet and kept asking why she would hurt herself that way. For a moment, she felt grateful she'd taken both their children to the day care, or they would have seen their mama like that. She had tried to keep Arizona from being too violent or snappy whenever they were around… Sofia was probably big enough to understand that "mama is having a rough time, baby", but Matthew was just a baby. He wouldn't remember, of course… But still._

" _I felt like I needed to do something for myself." Arizona said. Her voice was weird, she didn't sound like herself anymore. She hadn't been herself for months. Her voice was just a plus. "I wanted to feel free, like you told me to."_

 _Callie's jaw dropped. In that moment, she realized that her wife's memory was stuck to their last break up. She felt like she couldn't breathe for a second. Everything stopped and she looked at her beloved wife's eyes. She looked defiant. Like if she wanted to make Callie suffer._

 _Still._

I don't know why I feel scared of how she's going to react now. Maybe months and months of screaming and trying to cut my head off might have a part in this. She doesn't look angry, though. Her face isn't red, her eyes aren't bloodshot, her hands aren't tight. She looks… Terrified. Which is different and might be a good sign.

"Have I ever harmed you or the kids ?" She asks me. The fear in her voice makes me shiver.

"You have harmed me a couple of times, maybe more… But never the kids. At the beginning, you would just play with Sofia and I would stay close… Then I started to understand the signs before a crisis and I could pay less attention to what you both were doing. You've never actually broke down in front of either of them, if we don't consider last week… Maybe they can kind of calm you down. I guess you've had more chances to harm me, rather than them."

"Alright, that's good. That's good. What did I do to you, though ?"

I wonder how she must feel right now. I don't know if her heart is stuck where her mind is… Which would make us broken up… Is she still mad at me because I left her in that stupid office ? Can her heart remember how happy we've been since we were together again ? Can her brain remember all the kisses and the way she would hold my hand and whisper "I love you" anytime we were walking together ?

Can she remember how much we _are_ in love ?

"You broke my nose about a week after the whole thing happened." I explain, quietly. "You were on your hospital bed an-…"

"I elbowed you."

I can't believe what she just said.

She elbowed me right in the nose and I fell backwards and managed to hit my head on the wall.

"I elbowed you and you fell, right ?"

She looks hopeful, I'm not sure I can talk anymore. I surely didn't think elbowing me would make her remember everything that happened in the past years.

"You did." I manage to say. "You did."

I'm crying now. I'm crying like a baby and I can't take my eyes off her, everything feels so heavy right now. These months of waiting and hoping are making my shoulders tremble, but I'm sure I'll be able to recover with her by my side. Months and months of suffering without her might be coming to an end.

It might be over.

 _"These four lonely walls have change the way I feel, the way I feel, I'm standing still. And nothing else matters now, you're not here, so where are you ? I've been calling you, I'm missing you. Where else can I go ? Where else can I go chasing you. Memories turn to dust, please don't bury us, I got you."_


	8. Never

"I have this memory, it feels distant, though. I remember feeling angry, like… Really damn angry. I couldn't picture why and now that I think about it, I believe it was frustration, not anger. I didn't feel like I was in control of my life, the same way as I did after the plane crash. You know, I had all those things that I wanted to do, but… I couldn't. It was like being in a damn cage.

I understood that there was something wrong with me, I just couldn't picture what.

Or why.

I remember seeing you a lot and you were always crying. Hard. Possibly harder than I'd ever seen you before those days. I remember many doctors looking at me. I remember seeing Alex. And Meredith. I think I saw Amelia a couple of times. Then I remember having that stupid doctor from Psychiatry. What's his name again ? I believe it was Monroe, or something like that. I knew I'd already met him and despised him a lot. I remember him asking me questions and me being angry at him.

I remember being pissed off at you for talking to him just outside my room. I knew you were talking to him about me. You looked… Devastated. Then he said something and you started crying. He had one hand on your shoulder and I kept wondering why.

Why did I have to talk to Monroe from Psychiatry ? I didn't need a psychiatrist. I knew I didn't need one. I wasn't crazy. I was sure I wasn't crazy.

I remember you walking inside my room and smiling at me.

It felt weird.

It was a kind of smile I didn't quite recognize. It wasn't your usual smile. It was something I couldn't understand. I kept asking you what was wrong and why you were crying… You said everything was alright. You walked towards me and kissed me on the forehead.

I felt a glimpse of awfully suffocating anger and screamed.

I didn't mean to hurt you in the process. I did, though. I elbowed you and you fell backwards, hitting your head on the wall. You got up, with your nose covered in blood and told me that you were sorry for making me upset.

I cried.

I realized I had to be crazy if you were apologizing after I'd broken your nose. "

She looks at me. I feel guilty, even if just for a second. I don't know if this means that she remembers everything, or if it is just her remembering random things. She looks hurt and I know it's only my fault. Her condition is… Fragile. I should probably try to handle it in another way. A better way.

"I wasn't apologizing because I thought that you were crazy. As a matter of fact, I still don't think of you as the crazy one. I apologized because I felt like it was all my fault. I felt like you wouldn't be in that terrible state if I hadn't felt the need to go back to work after only one week. Maybe if I'd been there, it would have never happened. He wouldn't have hurt you. He wouldn't have taken Matthew.

I felt terrible because you were suffering awfully because of me."

I did feel terrible. Arizona wasn't the only one seeing a specialist after the attack. The difference was that I was aware of the reason why I was seeing doctor Heldens, while Arizona had no idea. She thought it was her choice, while it never was.

"I don't remember much of what happened, Calliope. I don't remember us talking about having another baby, I don't even remember us getting back together. I don't remember being pregnant. I don't remember giving birth. I don't remember being attacked. I don't even remember Matthew's face. Right now, the only thing I remember is me breaking your nose. I feel stupid, because I can't even control my own mind… It's awful, but I'm confident I'll remember everything. Slowly, but I will. Have I ever remembered something in these months ?"

"No, never. I was always trying to say something that could trigger your brain, but I never thought about talking to you about that one time. I would talk to you about Sofia, or about Matthew… But you never said that you remembered. You never said anything that made me believe that you were getting better." I've said these words so many times during the past months. To doctor Heldens, to Alex, to Meredith, to Amelia, to April. I've talked to everyone. I've had everyone talk to Arizona, hoping it would help. It never did.

She still had those terrible blank eyes.

"Then maybe this is a good sign."

I hope it is. I really do.

"Yes, of course. It might be."

I'm not sure. I'm… Exhausted of hoping. It doesn't feel worth it. I feel like I've been hoping for things to go well for way too long. I've been in love with Arizona for so many years… But it was never okay.

We were never okay.

Never.

 _"Thought I could leave you, cause I felt my heart numbing. It hits so deep, I close my eyes and I just took off running. I turned around and saw the look on your face... So I stayed."_


End file.
